I know what do to and what to decide. I know which to choose. I know what is the best for me. I know what will happen next. I know it'll never stop. It keeps playing and running around in my mind. I can't stop thinking about my situation and my condition. It is so hard to accept the fact that i can't handle my self. It is even hard for me to accept the fact that we're no longer together. It hurts me a lot. My fucking heart can't stop crying every night. I can't stop hurting myself, i hate myself, i hate for being me. I cant accept it, i'm a human too, human have feelings, and so do i! And please, notice me because i do exist!

Who am i to you? Who am i to you, tell me! I tried to be serious in our past relationship, because i'm sixteen and i know i'm matured enough for this! Don't you even try to understand me? Is it hard for you to handle this? Or maybe you think that you're not the right one for me? Oh please those are all bullshits. Stop with all those bullshits because i had enough for these. I'm tired of waiting. I know you do love me, but can you just- please, please have that confidence with you. We broke up, i don't mind, but a day after, you told me that you still love me. So  tell me how and what should i do now?

The first day of every month. I'll always remember that. Last 1st of May, 7.30 a.m, i got a morning call, i was asleep. When i picked up the call, and i heard your voice. You called me, how heaven is that. I still can remember when you asked me,

"You tidur ke?" i was like, "No no, i'm awake actually. I dah bangun lama dah." 

I lied, because if i tell you that i was sleeping, then i'm very sure  you will drop your call. No, i'd rather lie to you than missed a call from you. But nevermind, i know that you know i was sleeping, i know you recognise my 'morning voice' right? :( Every single moment when i hear your voice, my face will turns to a smiling bright face. I can't really remember our conversation, but what i can recall when you asked me, what is the date today? I was speechless, then i answered him. 

"harini cuti, today is the first day of May." 

And our convo turned to cricket sounds. It's very very very awkward, then i felt like my heart's crying. Oh god. I miss you terribly. But nevermind, atleast he knows that every first day of a month, is our monthsary.

I miss you so much, i miss your every night call, i miss to stare your face, i miss your kisses, i miss your everything. I miss that moment when i scolded you because you dont want to take your medicine, i miss that moment when you sing a song for me, i miss to call you sayang, my sugar pie, babba, my lazy boy and lot more. And the most thing that i really miss, is when i call you every morning at 6 a.m just to wake you up for school. I miss you morning voice, your manja voice, your mengeliat voice oh god help i can't stop missing him :( 

Too much of little things about you that i cant never forget. Do you still remember the day when i called you, shouted out loud at you because received your favourite stuff? I still keep them all. Do you still remember when we promised to karang some puisi and combine with mine and yours, dan menjadikan ia sebuah buku puisi, dan dengan niat nak jual buku tu, remember that? That book is about our relationship, our bads and goods, semua ada dalam tu. Indahnya masa lalu :( Too much of sweet memories in our relationship, i miss those moment very much. I wish i have a time machine, so we could go back in time, back to you and me.  Rewind what was happened and change it back to the old us, again, i miss you. So much.

Too much to write, let me just keep the rest of his little things inside my heart. I just want you to know you that i'll always be there for you no matter how hard would the situation be, no matter how long it will be, i'll always love you, like what i promised you in our past relationship. That's it. I need to always be positive as i used to. I love you. Things happens for a reason. That's all i can say. Toodles.

Assalamualaikum :)

Much Love,

Adyba Lutfy xx